JURASSIC WORLD HAS LARGEST DEBUT EVER, DESPITE SORTA BEING A PIECE OF CRAP

Well, after retractions, miscounts, and re-tallying that would make Floridian voters seem well-organized by comparison, there seems to be a general consensus that the fourth entry in the JURASSIC PARK series has eclipsed all others to be the biggest box office debut weekend in the history of the moving image. Making over 200 million, it has dethroned The Avengers and looks to climb even higher. We had a chance to screen this little movie last evening finally, and while we can’t deny the joy and nostalgia that revisiting Isla Nublar and it’s dino-denizens held for us, we really were struck by one too bad thing.

This isn’t a very good film.

It’s bad.

It’s fairly mindless…and silly…and cliche’d…and so oddly unaware of it’s flaws that it gets into and Ed-Wood-ian level of goofiness that actually veers back into good territory, albeit of the so-bad-it’s-friggin’-hilarious-MST3K kind. Look, we aren’t looking for THE GODFATHER or PULP FICTION here, and yes, the action scenes were VERY VERY VERY impressive. That said, even the unending charisma of Chris Pratt couldn’t stop us from consistently rolling our eyes at the cheesiness, abysmal dialogue and truly unbelievable(yes, even for a JURASSIC PARK film) arcs the story took as it digressed into cliche’ after mother-lovin’ clich√©. We will avoid spoiling any details about the overall story, as is our usual stride. However, we will say that spectacular visuals aside, this is arguably the worst in an already lackluster series which has continually sunk lower since it’s FIRST unnecessary sequel dis-graced the silver screen so many years ago. A new box office high, a new creative low. The dichotomy only serves to highlight the ever-faltering standards of an audience who has watched so many reality shows, YouTube cat videos, and blood soaked flicks starring Nic Cage or Liam Neeson, that they are no longer capable of discerning good films from bad ones. And so, that’s why we are here. To tell you that despite the best intentions of some, this film sorta kinda honestly just blows a little bit. Let’s hope we get more from the upcoming STAR WARS because the action films of yesteryear seem as great as ever, while ceaseless cash-grab cash-ins like this remind us all of a better time for cinema. And life really.

That said, that underwater dinosaur was fucking SWEET!!

FINAL GRADE: C-

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E3 IS BACK WITH A VENGENCE!

What are you doing reading this?? You could be live streaming the annual E3 conference! E3, which gives us a glimpse of the future of gaming for the next couple years and is often what gamers are looking forward to all year. So far we have been treated to demos from EA, Bethesda and an awe-inspiring set from XBOX who looks to reclaim the throne from longtime rival SONY who frankly has just been doing better at E3 the last couple years(lest we not forget the terribly embarrassing showing by Microsoft at E3 2013 which still has us WTF-ing to ourselves). Microsoft gave us a good run of their upcoming titles, but somehow STILL got outshone by Sony who simply knocked us back with their in-store games. We also finally get gameplay looks at STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT 3, CALL OF DUTY:BLACK OPS 3, HALO 5, FALLOUT 4 and for all you RPG nerdos out there, your wishes have finally been granted. A FULL REMAKE of the now legendary FINAL FANTASY 7 has been announced to nothing short of psychotically amped mob of gamers. The reaction was easily the biggest the event has boasted in the couple days it’s been happening. We also got announcements and looks at a new MASS EFFECT, UNCHARTED, ASSASIN’S CREED, GEARS OF WAR and RAINBOW SIX SIEGE.

Alas…no news about HALF-LIFE 3…SHOCKER there. Valve’s keeping their notoriously quiet mouths as shut as ever on that front. Bastards…

In another part of the event, Nintendo’s ALWAYS lackluster showing, which really just consists of new 3DS and Wii games(who gives a shit, I mean really, who…gives…a…SHIT) has us harkening for the days when this company was THE globally dominant video game company, second to none and always two steps ahead of everyone else. Ahh well, there’s always next year, right Nintendo? Maybe you can give us another fucking platformer, or some more Pokemon bullshit, yeah? Still, it’s been an exciting couple days and we can’t wait to see what else is in store…

Oh, and if you really wanna shit your pants, check out the live gameplay trailer for the next installment in the DOOM series which is now being handled by Bethesda(Creators of FALLOUT and ELDER SCROLLS) in conjunction with DOOM originators, ID Software. We here at THE FACE EATERS, after watching the gameplay for DOOM, are truly hard as a ten-peckered owl…like, massive woodies all around. TMI, yes, but true…Stay tuned kiddos. And, as ever,

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NOTE: Much thanks goes out to FACE EATER Travis M. for his inspiration and input on this article.

FALLING SNOW

Well, love it or hate. That seems to be the diametrically opposed reactions of fans and constant watchers of TV’s most prolific fantasy show, GAME OF THRONES which has just ended it’s fifth season with quite a violent and revenge-laden end point. Shocking, awful, amazing, stupid, unfair, absolutely stunning…these are the common words floating through the virtual miasma of the inter-web with regards to the finale. Just hours have passed and while the finale didn’t necessarily have the MOST shocking moments of this latest season, it certainly has caused a massive stir amongst both fans of the novels and the show itself. Death is a constant in the show’s narrative, and this final episode was no different. We get to see some stories come to a bloody conclusion while many remain to keep us wondering how season six will tackle the ever unfolding trials and tribulations of the seven kingdoms. We here at THE FACE EATERS are, as ever, not the types to spoil such rich cultural grounds for any prospective audience members, but alas, we must say that we are NOT very surprised at how things panned out. We WILL SAY that despite some massive departures from the book and some unappealing scenes involving violence against women, this show has taken it’s direction by the reins and you can’t deny that it is as enthralling as ever. After so many seasons of hearing it said by damn near every character capable of speech, winter has indeed FINALLY come, and it’s not pulling any punches.

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FACECON IV IS RIGHT AROUND THE BEND

WELL FACE EATERS…

It’s now just two months until our next outlandishly badass and uber-cult convention…we have but roughly 60 days to prepare ourselves for all the frights and fun to ensue. TRIVIA IS BACK, along with longer play, oddball bonus rounds and at least one side game of SACK ATTACK starring Hagen W. and Daniel K.!! SWAG BAGS are back of course and we will be featuring our usual cards, stickers, oddball items along with an official FACECON IV poster so you may make an appropriate alter in your closet to the FACECON overlords once the festivities have concluded. The amaze-balls poster, which is 11×17, is a winning addition for any home d√©cor scheme and laminated so blood can easily be cleaned off with a soft cloth and some windex. Let’s start getting amped all you nutbags! Remember, we need to start getting confirmations going and we must start plotting all your respective dooms.

DID I SAY DOOMS?? I meant super-happy-time-sunshine-fun activities of course! Hahahahaha, silly me….DOOMS…..who says that shit?

ME…..

I FUCKING DO…..

SEE YOU SOON FACE EATERS!!!

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ZERO IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Terry Gilliam is a very hit-or-miss kind of director. His best efforts, films like 12 MONKEYS, FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, BRAZIL and THE ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN are fantastic and imaginative fable-like dreams put to celluloid which beg the viewer to revisit time and again to find the many layered subtexts and hidden messages parsed throughout the narrative. His weaker films including TIDELAND and THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR. PARNASSUS are somewhat muddled and often misguided attempts at the same, but fall oddly short despite the best efforts of their helmer. Lucky for us cult aficionados, his latest feature, THE ZERO THEOREM falls in the former category.

Starring uber-German badass Christoph Waltz, this oddball take on a dystopian future where everything is for sale and the search for meaning is a fruitless crusade undergone by a nutty but brave few, is a hyper-drive mind-fuck of a film which takes us many places that while somewhat fantastic, are not too unfamiliar as the zaniness is anchored in current day social issues and often hits too close to home not to shake you up a bit. It’s fun, it’s visually stunning, and above all, a thoroughly thought-provoking look at what happens when one person tries to unlock the secrets of the universe. We will not spoil the many surprises the film has in store for you, but assure you that you need to see this movie ASAP. Sure, JURASSIC WORLD looks to capture the minds of America’s cinema-viewing audiences for the next few weeks. But here’s an unappreciated gem that snuck past most of us in the last year. Gilliam is back to form and this is one more example of a modern master of his craft letting loose his mind warp sensibility for all of us to behold.

FINAL GRADE: A-

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TO SIR, WITH LOVE…

Following on heels of the announcement of Betsy Palmer’s death, and running the risk of this site appearing to be little more than a celebrity obituary page, we would still be remiss if we didn’t express our sadness at the news of the passing of Sir Christopher Lee. A true genre icon, this man has been in Hammer horror films as the price of darkness himself, Dracula, as Count Dooku in the STAR WARS saga, Sauraman in the LORD OF THE RINGS, as the happy-go-lucky cultist in THE WICKER MAN as well as bit parts in films such as SLEEPY HOLLOW, GREMLINS 2, and others too numerous to count. Despite the sorrow we all feel in the film community at this most uncool news of his death at the age of 93, we can really only express gratitude for the immense amount of entertainment and love he has granted us over the last 80 years. His craft was second to none and he never failed to bring quiet intensity and passion to each and every role he took on. Our sorrow will be matched only by our gratitude for his many years of faithful and kind service to both moviegoers and the people he touched in this life. We will miss you good Sir, and may you rest in peace forever.

SIR CHRISTOPHER LEE, May 27th, 1922 – June 7th, 2015

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CHOKING ON CHUCK

For the release of his immensely anticipated graphic novel-style sequel to the now classic FIGHT CLUB, author and FACE EATER icon, Chuck Palahniuk has been gallivanting across the US on a promotional book tour. He is also releasing his new collections of short stories, MAKE SOMETHING UP:STORIES YOU CAN’T UNREAD and was at a signing in Seattle recently where our very own Riannah W., of the FACE EATERS Washington Chapter, caught up with the prolific cult author to get his take on current events, climate change, and the national reformation of marijuana laws. Instead, he just choked her and signed a copy of FIGHT CLUB 2 which will be a featured prize at our upcoming FACECON IV. We here at THE FACE EATERS love all of his work, from, heh, CHOKE to LULLABY, from SURVIVOR to DIARY, PYGMY, DOOMED, LULLABY, RANT and even those two books that aren’t all that great, TELL-ALL and SNUFF. We shall never, never, NEVER cease to be ardent followers and denizens of the church of Palahniuk, and look forward to see who will win this most bodacious of prizes at FACECON IV!! Remember people, August 14th to 16th at THE AMEN SCHOOLHOUSE in Monarch, Colorado!!

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BESTY PALMER 1926-2015

Sad, nay, HORRIBLE tidings have been ushered in this past weekend. The first person to draw blood in the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, Betsy Palmer, has passed away at age 88. Her legacy as Pamela Voorhees, mother to and largely the blueprint-of-mayhem-layer for slasher demi-god Jason Voorhees shall remain in tact for decades if not millennia to come, We here at The Face Eaters are absolutely devastated to hear this news. Born Patricia Betsy Hrunek on November 1st, 1926, Ms. Palmer made a name for herself as a budding starlet in the 1950’s with roles in films like MISS SUSAN(1951), THE LONG GREY LINE(1955), MISTER ROBERTS(1955) and as a regular panelist on the hit 50’s game show, I’VE GOT A SECRET. She was a lifelong member of The Actor’s Studio and has appeared alongside the likes of such venerable screen stars as Maureen O’Hara, Henry Fonda, Jimmy Cagney and even horror compatriot Anthony Perkins(of PSYCHO fame, DUH!). But it is safe to say that no role had brought her as much worldwide notoriety as that of the mother of Jason, a role she was initially skeptical of her involvement in, but came to embrace and love over time. Unlike KEVIN BACON, who almost never discusses his part in the first of the FRIDAY’s, she regularly attended conventions, was gracious and thankful for her fans and contributed a good bit of fun and insight into the making of FRIDAY THE 13TH when she was featured in CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES, the adapted documentary covering the entire Friday canon. To say we already miss her is an understatement, and to say she will be remembered fondly is also just not doing her justice. Your work may be done sweet lady, but it shall resonate through the halls of horror iconography for generations to come. To us, there is no female slasher higher on the totem. She set the high-water mark and no one has even come close in the last thirty years.

Now go and celebrate her by dusting off the ol’ VCR, probably long dormant in your parents basement. Put in your beat up copy of the first FRIDAY and raise a machete to the first lady of slasher-dom. We love, love, love you Betsy…R.I.P.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This humble scribe, for one, has been holding back tears during this writing.

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