BLOWING SHIT UP

Look, we could give you literally a hundred good reasons to go out and watch “MAD MAX:FURY ROAD” right now. The badass subtext of women empowerment(always fun), the absolutely gorgeous and balls out action sequences featuring some of the craziest shit we have EVER SEEN ONSCREEN(and that IS sayin’ somthin’ alright), or the fact that it has received, much to EVERYONE’s surprise, universal acclaim including currently rocking a 98% on rottentomatoes.com, but we won’t. We don’t wanna spoil anything by chatting it up too much because the fourth entry in writer/director GEORGE MILLER’S iconic and standard setting MAD MAX franchise is easily the most gorgeous and mind blowing of the lot. Go see that shit…NOW!! Did you know that the whole central idea for SAW was essentially jacked straight from the first “MAD MAX”? No? Well, better go find a VHS copy and rewatch it to get you amped for this thrilling ride of a film. FINAL FACE EATER SCORE: A+. Absolute perfection.

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OUR GIRL, LAURA

We here at the Face Eaters love Laura Harris. We so totally adore Laura Harris. The reason is three fold…ONE: She is such a cutie. TWO: She has amassed quite the badass resume including notable roles as a terrorist on Fox’s erstwhile Sutherland engine, “24”, as our favorite reaper, Daisy Adair on the underrated cult classic, “Dead Like Me”, and as the survivor girl in “Severance”, which was screened to much fanfare at FaceCon III. This is to say nothing of the fact that she shall be appearing in not one but TWO screenings at FCIV…as the new girl on campus in “The Faculty”, AND as an innocent girl caught up in some nasty witchcraft stuff in the X-Files episode, “Die Hand Die Verletzt”. And as for number THREE…she has somehow stayed under the ugly Hollywood radar and remained a woman truly adaptive to different roles, and known to a small few by name…which makes her CULT AS FUCK…and we like that here…..we dig it. Laura Harris, we salute you. SCHA-WING!

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THE DREAD IS BACK!!

We here at Face Eater HQ have long ago lost interest in such horror themed shows as BATES MOTEL and the wildly overrated and now almost completely ridiculous AMERICAN HORROR STORY…and with us ALL awaiting the return of THE WALKING DEAD, there isn’t much for a hardcore horror hound to do with TV. But worry not my cult constituency, there is one bright candle in the darkness that gives us hope for the future of horror TV…that show is Showtime’s PENNY DREADFUL. Starring ex-Bond man and co star of HOT FUZZ, Timothy Dalton, the always gorgeous Eva Green, and our boy Josh Hartnett, this show is everything that AMERICAN HORROR STORY wishes it could be but simply won’t ever achieve. It’s dark, moody, atmospheric, well acted, well written and above all, very creepy indeed. It also pulls no punches. Shit, the main antagonist of the first season was Dracula himself…Dracula! It’s almost like THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, but not a complete pile of steaming canine fecal matter. And though the show HAS been slow to get really moving in it’s sophomore season, it still has kept us positively drooling for more each week as we follow the travails and misadventures of witches, ghosts, Dorian Grey, Doc Frankenstein and now even the Wolfman. With the addition of an Elizabeth Bathory-styled villainess in Evelyn Poole, perfectly personified by Helen McCrory, this season is primed to be even better than the last. If you haven’t gotten on it, get on it. NOW.

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JUMPING THE STARK

Well, GOT, or Game of Thrones to those few sad, poor souls who have yet to watch this usually quite awesome and enjoyable show, has gotten so full itself it just may have gone a wee bit off the rails as of late. With it reaching the end of the narrative of the still unfinished books by George RR Martin, the showrunners have decided to just forge ahead and make the rest up as they go. And it sadly shows in the final product. Absent a pre-existing storyline already laid down by Martin, this season is lackluster, somewhat forced and oddly slow and simply NOT as good as the previous four. Sure, the every expanding trials of Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen and of course, our hero Tyrion Lannister, have created a few moments worth watchingtaking odd risks by creating essentially an omniscient super villain in Ramsey Stark and giving us some of the most shocking scenes we have borne witness to in the show’s already shocking history. I personally was NOT jazzed about the marital rape scene featuring our dear Sansa, but not as much for the lack of any tastefulness or redeeming value, but more because it really, unlike so many other horrifying and tragic scenes past, didn’t do much to add to the show or move the narrative forward. Here’s hoping that with Cersei’s incarceration and the imminent fall of King’s Landing to religious zealots(led by cult hero Johnathan Pierce) that the show finds it way again. Because if this keeps up, we may all have to reconsider whether this show has it’s same magic…or if it has gonna all FONZIE on us.

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“THERE’S A FISH…IN THE PERCOLATOR!”

It’s official…after years of false hope and a botched contract negotiation with the ONLY person capable of bringing this show back to life, Mr. Lynch himself, TWIN PEAKS IS COMING BACK!! We know that it can’t be any worse than FIREWALK WITH ME and hopefully, we are all going to get more of the mythos from our most beloved town in TV history. We miss the log lady, we miss the owls…we want our damn fine coffee and cannot help but wonder what 25 years in the red room had done to Agent Cooper. BRING IT ON!!

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85 DAYS UNTIL FCIV!!

THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE!! Just 80 days until FCIV commences and we have some quick hits for you. Grab bags are back and shall have a drinking vessel of some type included…in addition to at least one official FACE EATERS sticker and some other surprises. Marquee cards shall return and the trivia has been improved to include POWER-UPS!! Get ready for the most badass CON that there is!! Yeah, we said it COMICON!! The F*** you gon’ do? You are an intangible event with no feelings or thoughts, so you just stay silent up in this piece…Stay tuned for more updates my ever growing cult constituency. And as ever…

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HERE THERE BE…E.T.’S

What seems like a no-brainer setup for a very entertaining found footage film ends up being a long and drawn out showcase for little more than those shaky camera movements and out of focus shots of dark building interiors you have come to expect, and to a degree loathe about the subgenre. A few friends, for reasons simply defying any logical explanation, decide that they can infiltrate and discover the myriad secrets of the titular military complex. A couple interesting moments flash by involving breaching the infamous compound and a fun bit involving a flying saucer, but they are brief and add little to the overall enjoyment of the proceedings. At about the hour and fifteen minute mark, when you have essentially lost all hope of anything actually happening, we are granted a few slightly intriguing minutes of aliens running amok and the characters finding basically what they were looking for, but frankly, it’s too little too late. Oren Peli, who did much the same bait and switch with his previous entry in the subgenre, “The Chernobyl Diaries” has thus asserted himself as mediocre director with a penchant for vainglorious attempts at scaring his audience that come off lazy, inept and above all, fairly pandering to the multitudes. And could this movie have been MORE like last years shockingly similar “Alien Abduction”? Me thinks not. Final grade : D+

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FACECON IV ITINERARY

Well Ladies and Germs, we here at Face Eater HQ have gotten together the tentative lineup and summary of the goings on to be experienced at our fourth official FACECON!! This is an early draft and as such, several changes may still occur, but for the time being, this is what we have in store for any and all at FCIV. Be there, or be doomed!!

Friday, August 14th
4:00 PM – Arrival/Orientation
5:00 PM – “BATTLE ROYALE”
7:00 PM – Dinner/“CHILDREN OF THE CORN”
9:00 PM – TNT’S MONSTERVISION “CHILDREN OF THE CORN II”
11:00 PM – “THE OMEN II”
1:00 AM – Hidden Track/Wildcard Screening

Saturday, August 15th
9:00 AM – Breakfast/ “THE FACULTY”
11:00 AM – “DETENTION”
12:30 PM – GARTH MARENGHI’S DARKPLACE “Skipper The Eyechild”
1:00 PM – Lunch/“THE WOODS”
3:00 PM – TRVIA TIME!!/Wildcard Screening(s)
6:00 PM – “THE EXPELLED” aka “F”
6:30 PM – Dinner/ TALES FROM THE CRYPT “Four-Sided Triangle”
8:00 PM – “CARRIE”
10:00 PM – “THE BROOD”
12:00 AM – “EXAM”

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JUPITER…..DESCENDING…..

Look, ever since Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly got hot and heavy back in 96’s “BOUND”, we knew the Wachowski’s were something to keep an eye on. Aside from some of the sexiest girl on girl scenes ever put to film, the movie is an absolutely masterful film-noir which not only showcased the simmering menace Joe Pantoliano can exude, but functioned perfectly as a modern twist on the heist subgenre. What we didn’t realize was that the filmmaker siblings were going to redefine what science fiction was with their mind-blowing, and frankly, utterly flawless second feature, 1999’s, “THE MATRIX”. Two ABYSSMAL MATRIX sequels and a lackluster “SPEED RACER” later, we got yet another demonstration of how skilled, imaginative and ahead of the curve these two consistently are with the tragically underrated “CLOUD ATLAS”. If you haven’t seen “CLOUD ATLAS” then you haven’t seen one of the best ten films of the last decade. It was glorious, pushed boundaries of narrative and character depth, and was honestly the best thing Halle Berry OR Hugh Grant have ever done. That said, the pendulum has woefully swung the opposite way again, and the two’s latest, “JUPITER ASCENDING” is little more than a cinematic exercise in futility. It’s got one or two hallmarks of the style the two have developed over the years, but even their penchant for beautiful cinematics and eye for seamless special effects integration doesn’t save this sinking ship.

Mila Kunis is a toilet cleaning daughter of Russian decent(whoa, RANGE) who finds out from sky-rollerblading Elf, “Caine” played by Channing Tatum, that she is the daughter, or heir to some galactic throne of some type. The whole story is a bit muddled and begs indifference from the viewer. Suffice it to say she goes on a laser-laced, extra planetary escapade to stop some nefarious brothers from scheming their way into the throne. I don’t really recall too many specifics as it was quite the trial to get through and easily the worst of the Wachowski’s catalog. A supreme disappointment lies in the choice and execution of the film’s primary antagonist Baylem Abrasax, here personified by “The Theory of Everything’s” Eddie Redmayne. Redmayne, hot off of his Oscar win for “Theory”, truly confounds as he seems to not know what to do whilst onscreen. He coos, he whispers(so annoying), and attempts a quiet intensity which comes off as grating pretension mixed with a dash of narcissism that really just makes you loathe every second he is visible. It’s all over the place, the narrative is barely coherent, and the players all seem to secretly know they are polishing brass on the Titanic. It’s trite, brimming with cliche and artistic dalliances hoping to distract from the dirty smear of the genre that it ultimately is. Enter at your own risk. In summation, final grade, D-(and that may be being too kind). Hopefully the next Wachowski film isn’t so…….yikes.

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I WANT TO BELIEVE

I want to believe…I really do. I want to believe that with the announcement of the return of the greatest supernatural show to ever air on cable television short of the TWILIGHT ZONE, I have nothing to fear. I want to believe that creator and head writer Chris Carter, Gillian Anderson, and David Duchovney back on board, that this is gonna be awesome. And I’m certain it won’t be bad. That said, it had better rise up above the utter dreck that were the two feature length X-FILES films and that questionable final season of the show. I mean, Doggett and Reyes had their moments, but we needed Scully and Mulder…and perhaps we still do. It harkens back to purer and frankly just better era of television, before reality TV took over and MTV stopped showing any “M”. I want to believe…and I will…I do! I SHALL!! BRING IT THE F*** ON!!

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